Adventures in cooking
A few nights ago I decided I wanted Rice Krispie Treats. Badly. Like I obsessed over them all day at work. The world was filled with two kinds of people, those with RKT's and those without. I wasn't going to be content with one of those pre-packaged ones either, I had to have one just like mom used to make. Fresh, delicious, made with love. Just like mom's. So I did what any 30-something man would do. I decided to make my own. Thus the adventure begins...
I have no idea how one goes about making these things. All I know is that it will require cereal and marshmallows, most likely mixed using heat. With these thoughts I searched the house. I found an opened bag of marshmallows. When they were opened I have absolutely no idea. I cannot fathom why I would have purchased them. But I have most of a 16 ounce bag, so now I just need cereal. Rice Krispies to be exact. Which we have none of.
fuck.
Off to the local Pick and Save I go. I head in and go straight to the Rice Krispie aisle. There are 3 different types of these things?!? Chocolate, regular and something called Berry Krispies. I am intrigued by the thought of berry flavoured treats so I snag the biggest box there is. And a box of regular ones, since the recipe is printed on the normal box. I buy the other items you need for the treats (butter) and I head home. I am now excited as hell. I am going to have my treats!! Well, at some point at the store I set down and then forgot to pick back up the box with the recipe on it.
fuck
Internet to the rescue!!! Three minutes and one sheet of paper later I have the recipe again. I start to cook the marshmallows and butter. Being impatient I decided low heat is for wimps. I want High Heat, not this wussy Low heat bullshit! If it takes 4 minutes on low, it should take 2 on high. That's logic! Approximately 3.467 minutes later I have a saucepan filled with melted marshmallow goo. 1.3 minutes later I discover a basic fact about sugar-based confectionery...if cooked too long they melt and then caramalize. Not knowing any better, I keep adding marshmallows until I am out of them. The recipe called for 10 ounces, what's a few more?I now have a saucepan filled with a gooey, strangly brownish coloured, bubbling stuff. So I add the berry Krispes. Which are the most festive shades of pink and purple. These will be the least manly dessert ever. I start adding the cups of Krispies without lowering the heat, I mean, we wouldn't want the caramel..err..marshmallows to harden, now would we? Sometime while counting out the cups I realize I was supposed to remove the pan from the heat.
fuck
Now in a panic, I have lost track of how many cups o' festive Krispies I have added, so I add 4 more cups and decide that must be enough. (the recipe calls for 6) Now I am attempt to stir the slowly congealing mush. After breaking a wooden spoon I turn to metal. Which bends. I decide this means they are ready for the tray. Now, the good people at Kellogg recommend you spread the molten mass of goodness with a spatula, liberally sprayed with cooking spray. I have cooking spray, but no spatula. The mass of melted sugar and Krispies looks cool, is not so hot I can't touch it, and is rapidly being to stick to the saucepan. I decide to spray my hand with cooking spray and smooth out the goo by hand. So I take the bent spoon (which is now part of the mass of goo) and use it to coax the molten death out of it's saucepan unto the nice inviting glass cakepan. It slowly obliges me and forms a mound in the centre. So I smooth it out. With my carefully prepared no-stick hand. This works for about 1.7 seconds. Then I am screaming and diving at the sink to attempt to remove the festive pink and purple lava that is eating it's way through my hand. A few minutes of cold water later I sacrifice another spoon to smooth out the pan. Now the fun begins, I decide that the best way to cool the tray is to put it in the fridge. I manfully resist the urge to toss it in the freezer.
Now I wait...
and wait...
and wait...
and wait...
While I wait, I drink.
and drink..
and drink...
and drink..
and drink..
and..well, you get the idea...
a few hours and beers later I revisit my tray of goodness. It looks just like the one mom used to make. Well, other then being pink. And purple. And having a spoon stuck in one end.
fuck
I now attempt to cut myself a piece. That is when I learned something about candy making. You see, I didn't make a dessert of Rice Krispies held together by gooey marshmallow, I made a whole new dessert. Rice Krspies held in stasis by hard candy. I actually bend a knife trying to cut these things. (for any one keeping score, that is 4 utensils murdered by these treats!) once I chisel out a piece, I damn near break a tooth biting it and cut my lip on a jagged edge, covering the treat in blood.
So what did I end up with? A blood flavoured brick of Rice Krispies and hard candy. So it wasn't a total failure.
I have no idea how one goes about making these things. All I know is that it will require cereal and marshmallows, most likely mixed using heat. With these thoughts I searched the house. I found an opened bag of marshmallows. When they were opened I have absolutely no idea. I cannot fathom why I would have purchased them. But I have most of a 16 ounce bag, so now I just need cereal. Rice Krispies to be exact. Which we have none of.
fuck.
Off to the local Pick and Save I go. I head in and go straight to the Rice Krispie aisle. There are 3 different types of these things?!? Chocolate, regular and something called Berry Krispies. I am intrigued by the thought of berry flavoured treats so I snag the biggest box there is. And a box of regular ones, since the recipe is printed on the normal box. I buy the other items you need for the treats (butter) and I head home. I am now excited as hell. I am going to have my treats!! Well, at some point at the store I set down and then forgot to pick back up the box with the recipe on it.
fuck
Internet to the rescue!!! Three minutes and one sheet of paper later I have the recipe again. I start to cook the marshmallows and butter. Being impatient I decided low heat is for wimps. I want High Heat, not this wussy Low heat bullshit! If it takes 4 minutes on low, it should take 2 on high. That's logic! Approximately 3.467 minutes later I have a saucepan filled with melted marshmallow goo. 1.3 minutes later I discover a basic fact about sugar-based confectionery...if cooked too long they melt and then caramalize. Not knowing any better, I keep adding marshmallows until I am out of them. The recipe called for 10 ounces, what's a few more?I now have a saucepan filled with a gooey, strangly brownish coloured, bubbling stuff. So I add the berry Krispes. Which are the most festive shades of pink and purple. These will be the least manly dessert ever. I start adding the cups of Krispies without lowering the heat, I mean, we wouldn't want the caramel..err..marshmallows to harden, now would we? Sometime while counting out the cups I realize I was supposed to remove the pan from the heat.
fuck
Now in a panic, I have lost track of how many cups o' festive Krispies I have added, so I add 4 more cups and decide that must be enough. (the recipe calls for 6) Now I am attempt to stir the slowly congealing mush. After breaking a wooden spoon I turn to metal. Which bends. I decide this means they are ready for the tray. Now, the good people at Kellogg recommend you spread the molten mass of goodness with a spatula, liberally sprayed with cooking spray. I have cooking spray, but no spatula. The mass of melted sugar and Krispies looks cool, is not so hot I can't touch it, and is rapidly being to stick to the saucepan. I decide to spray my hand with cooking spray and smooth out the goo by hand. So I take the bent spoon (which is now part of the mass of goo) and use it to coax the molten death out of it's saucepan unto the nice inviting glass cakepan. It slowly obliges me and forms a mound in the centre. So I smooth it out. With my carefully prepared no-stick hand. This works for about 1.7 seconds. Then I am screaming and diving at the sink to attempt to remove the festive pink and purple lava that is eating it's way through my hand. A few minutes of cold water later I sacrifice another spoon to smooth out the pan. Now the fun begins, I decide that the best way to cool the tray is to put it in the fridge. I manfully resist the urge to toss it in the freezer.
Now I wait...
and wait...
and wait...
and wait...
While I wait, I drink.
and drink..
and drink...
and drink..
and drink..
and..well, you get the idea...
a few hours and beers later I revisit my tray of goodness. It looks just like the one mom used to make. Well, other then being pink. And purple. And having a spoon stuck in one end.
fuck
I now attempt to cut myself a piece. That is when I learned something about candy making. You see, I didn't make a dessert of Rice Krispies held together by gooey marshmallow, I made a whole new dessert. Rice Krspies held in stasis by hard candy. I actually bend a knife trying to cut these things. (for any one keeping score, that is 4 utensils murdered by these treats!) once I chisel out a piece, I damn near break a tooth biting it and cut my lip on a jagged edge, covering the treat in blood.
So what did I end up with? A blood flavoured brick of Rice Krispies and hard candy. So it wasn't a total failure.
posted by port at 10/05/2006 06:38:00 pm
1 comments
